I know it’s so like me to start this text with instructions, but I suggest you read it listening to Bury a friend by Billie Eilish – it’s what I did when I was writing.

I began to understand why people say “getting clean” when they are trying to recover from an addiction. It’s about this feeling of being so disgusted by yourself that it makes you want to scrub off every bit of what makes you be that way, a feeling of wanting to be outside of your own skin. This happens when it downs on you all the damage you’ve caused to yourself and others – and the confusion and hopelessness that comes with trying to stop it.

In my brain, I’m just screaming and destroying the room around me. The images of what you’ve done come rushing and disconnected. The fear. The shame. The regret. The realization of how weak you are comes like a wrecking ball. But, most importantly, what comes to mind is the fact that you’re going to have to let it go.

I remember once a friend said “you should be alone for three months” and just the simple thought of it seemed unattainable to me. People who have a more balanced brain and, therefore, don’t understand our addictive behaviors, can’t get it. On their minds, there is only a simple question: why don’t you just stop?

We all need our serotonins to keep this human being ship afloat, but the truth is that the non-addicted can get their source from a number of a different things – going out with friends, reading, watching stuff, a random sport, going to work and interacting with people, etc. – us, on the other hand, don’t fully get it from just doing different things, no. We get it from only a few things, and that is our special way of coloring the world around us as they do. One can say that everything in life is about balance, and even cocaine and heroin would not be a problem if you just got satisfied by the right amount you should consume.

Satisfaction is a very challenging thing for us, though. I decided I want to recover, but all I can see is that my next few months will just be very grey. Is it ever going to be possible to color with different pencils such as just going to the park? Hanging out with people? Maybe cooking? And there is only so much I need to think about. How do I find out which are my triggers? How do I control all the other habits that come even before developing a romantic relationship with someone, like daydreaming?

Is it really possible for me to just have a healthy relationship with having a relationship with someone?

I’ve always said being in love is my cigarette and damn, it feels good to smoke.

You’re welcome to being the virtual eyes and companions of this new journey, or, should I say, this first step into the labyrinth. It doesn’t look pretty guys, and I am sure it will get worse. My only hope is that I’ll get to the other side.